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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
There`s nothing as wonderful as waking up in the morning next to a gorgeous smiling face. So I keep a mirror next to my bed.
I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
I hate when the remote is way over there
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
Finding a needle in a haystack is quite easy if you just set the hay on fire.