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Whenever someone tells me they like country music, I just look them in the eyes and ask "which country?"
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
My mind has a mind of its own.
Life is all about tough decisions such as… Getting enough sleep or staying on the internet.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
There is nothing worse then trying to watch porn with a slow internet connection.
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.