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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
I wish I could google the things I’ve misplaced.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
Saying "think outside the box" is a pretty inside the box suggestion.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I`d never be bored again.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
You know that little thing inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn`t? ... Yeah, I don`t have one of those.