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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
It hurts when you go to unfriend someone and you find they`ve beat you to it!
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
In the trailer for the fourth Transformers movie a guy says "what the hell is that" when a Transformer approaches. THE FOURTH MOVIE!