Daily Silly Status

I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty

Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.

What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?

To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.

I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them

The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.

I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.

Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.

I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.

It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim.

No one looks more depressed than a grown man walking away from the microwave with a Lean Cuisine meal in his hands.

Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................

Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!

I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.

Texting while sitting at a stop light: Helping save lives every day by preventing T-bone collisions with drivers who run red lights. Because of that extra minute it takes for you to realize that the light has turned green, the driver who has no regard for the safety of others entering the intersection legally, can now safely clear the intersection without causing a collision. For this, we thank you.