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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
“Nevermind.” Translation: You should’ve listened the first time.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Can you imagine the reactions 25 years ago if you showed someone a photo album of pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
Worrying: a waste of imagination.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
There`s nothing more terrifying than accidentally making eye contact with a mall kiosk worker.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
Fun Prank: Put $1000 in an envelope and mail it to me.