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Goodnight friends, strangers, pervs, weirdos and a$$holes, and anybody else I left out.
Me: "The only person I need in my life is you." Bartender: "Please stop trying to hold my hand."
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, Iām not falling for that.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I`m sure someday it will.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have sā¬x.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
I`m getting sick of these porn sites listing my videos as "amateur".
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
New marital Status update : Taken, but only for GRANTED
I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I`m confused about how many at night?
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.