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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Sometimes knowing exactly where you are does not make you any less lost.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Real friends show me their boobs
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.