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If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100`s of strangers` mouths
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
I`m painting a blue square in my garden, so that Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I’m pretty sure I could start a new life with only the crap in my car.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?