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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
I wrote a song about a tortilla actually its more of a wrap.
How long does it usually take for a Happy Meal to start working?.... It`s been an hour.
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
Here Friday Friday...come on...hurry up! Oh no you don`t! You come when I call you damn it! Get your a$$ over here. ... good boy!
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
Coffee: So I can do nothing with more energy.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
I’m a fan of saying YOU’RE WELCOME really loudly when people don’t thank you.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....