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Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
You never really know a woman, until she takes you to court.
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Call me crazy, but I don`t think I really need to be in this mental institution.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
A hard thing about business is minding your own
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
whenever I take my clothes off the shower usually gets turned on
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
The problem with money is that too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.