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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
u cant spell awesome without me
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Most people don`t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.
Starting a sentence with “If you ask me” almost always indicates that no one asked you.