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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Dear therapist, I might actually come see you if your job title didn`t spell out “the rapist” Sincerely, not lying down.
A garbage disposal is just a device for finishing off all the food no one else in the house will eat.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
You look in good shape!!! Round is a shape isn`t it???
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I`m afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
I used to think I was good at multi-tasking. Turns out it’s just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.