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Fun Fact: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
You call it multiple personality disorder... I call it being mayor of the little town in my head!
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Me: "Sorry I`m late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn`t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.