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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
Life is what happens when you’re not looking at a screen.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
WARNING::World Health Organization says radiation from cell phones may cause cancer. Please text everyone you know about this.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes