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When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
If you don`t have anything nice to say, say it anyway, `cause it might be really really funny.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
If by “clubbing” you mean eating club sandwiches then yeah I’m pretty into the club scene.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
If I notice an unfinished jigsaw puzzle at some`s house, I always take a piece home with me.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Good news: I learned how to build a fire. Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I went frisbee golfing today. I didn`t get an ace, but I did hit a guy and that was just as satisfying.