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Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Loneliness is when your sleeve unrolls itself while washing dishes and you try to roll it back up with your face.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
It makes me sad that the closest I`ll ever get to `hulking out` is splitting my trousers when I bend over.
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
status uploading
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
Is it ok to ask a very pregnant librarian if she`s overdue?