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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
With everything going on lately... I`ve got a lot of serious thinking to do! Oops....Did I say "Thinking".... I meant "Drinking"!!
One man`s trash is another man`s profile picture.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
Common sense is so rare it should be classified as a super power
Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.