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You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming
My Living Will says it`s okay to pull the plug on me, but I`d like them to at least try jiggling it a few times first.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
According to Pinterest, I`m severely under-utilizing mason jars.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?