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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
I never owned a telescope, but it`s something that I`m thinking of looking into.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
I`m glad I know sign language. It`s pretty handy.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time