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I`m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy, but I`m also wearing a cape.
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn`t kill the dinosaurs. I`ve been to the museum. It`s obvious they starved to death.
What do you call a black woman with braces?... A Black and Decker P@cker Wrecker!
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
They say money talks, mine just waves goodbye.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.