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They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself was clearly never married.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
I honestly don’t care if you think I’m crazy. You’re just a figment of my imagination anyway.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.