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My bank account is more like a countdown to homelessness.
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Cool thing about winter is after grocery shopping your car can double as your refrigerator.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I remember when downloading a song meant trying to tape it off the radio while hoping the DJ didn´t talk over the song.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I just gave my kid ice cream because she wouldn`t stop crying. Sorry, whoever she winds up marrying.
I’m not a vegetarian but I eat animals who are.
“Screw it” – My final thought before making most decisions.
I would like my FB friends to know that the opinions and comments I make on FB in no way reflect the actual thoughts, opinions or actions of me, or my family. Its all for fun. The only posts that I actually mean are the same ones you agree with.
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.