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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Look, all I`m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
That awkward moment when you get in the van... And there`s no candy.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!