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A wireless bra? They weren`t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
I give myself the best presents.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.