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Geez. I make one little mistake and my pharmacist now adds "by mouth" on the prescription label.
My home security system is a series of paintings with the eyes cut out.
I`m ashamed of what I did for a Klondike bar.
Is it rude to throw a breath mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.