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If today drags anymore, it`s going to come out of the closet in a sexy little dress
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
If I were the guy who made the Where’s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn’t there.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps "Latest Speculative News" or "We Really Don`t Know Shit" would work. CNN call me.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I`m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Line forms here for spankings