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The good thing about Facebook is if someone gets on your nerves enough, you can make them cease to exist in your world and you don`t even have to hide a body.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Girls here`s how to tell if a guy wants you for sex - 1: He does
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I`m such a thrill seeker, when I see a ‘Caution, Wet Floor’ sign, I walk faster...
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
Roses are red, violets are blue, the boss snuck out early, so I left too.
Do not put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"