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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Happy July 22nd! Today isn’t a holiday, but you’re alive and well, so why not celebrate?
once a homeless guy said to me `Hey you got a dollar` and I said `wow your absolutely right..with psychic powers like that I`m surprised your still homeless` got in my car and left..
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
I have to be funny because being hot is not an option.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.