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Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I have cat-like reflexes. If I hear a loud noise, I keep napping.
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I am not looking for a one night stand, 2 hours will be plenty enough.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
SNAUGHLING: Laughing so hard you snort, then laugh because you snorted, then snort because you laughed.
If time does not wait for you, don’t worry. Just remove the battery from the clock and enjoy life.
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
I think my mailman is stealing my Nigerian lottery checks.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance in "Holy crap this is a terrible gift but I`ll pretend to love it."