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My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
is it rude to throw a breath-mint in someone`s mouth while they are talking?
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.