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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Nothing is quite so annoying as to have someone go right on talking when you`re interrupting!
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
A friend came over visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much quit counting them.
Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
More funny statuses will be posted here soon
Sometimes I just bang my head on the keyboard and hope words form.