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I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
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Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
I’m going to the gym because I heard they have free weights. I wonder how many they’ll let me take?
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"