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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!