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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Sometimes I stand in front of the mirror naked just to remind myself what nobody`s getting.
My short-term memory is my ONLY problem..... Well, that, and my short-term memory
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
On the 14th of December I`m going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up...
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.