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Jehovah`s witnesses don`t celebrate Halloween. I guess they don`t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Stand for what you believe in. Or sit on the couch and have a couple of donuts. It`s a free country really.
I don`t know what`s longer, a treadmill minute or a microwave minute.
Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi
What if Oxygen makes our voice really deep…. And Helium just brings it back to normal?
Why does whoop-ass only come in a can?
What idiot decided it should be my foot`s asleep instead of coma toes?
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.