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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
Scientists have discovered that at least 50 percent of fat people’s BMI is made up of excuses...
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
What do women say when they are actually fine?
I feel it`s important for you to know, no matter what I`m faced with and when given the option, I am that guy who will send you a voice-mail marked confidential.
Frankly auto correct,I`m getting tired of your shirt.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!