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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
Never do I feel as lazy and rude as when someone else in the room is vacuuming.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
I`m done with tucking in shirts. Too many people complaining I`m invading their "personal space." LOL
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
My IQ? ... With google or without?
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
It`s no fun if you have permission.