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You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
What kind of wine goes best with laundry?
I used to think using big words meant you were smart, I was somewhat right but that was before I heard politicians speak.
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I wish more events in life involved dumping a cooler full of Gatorade on people.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Iām home alone. Time to start my concert.
If I was a Chinese millionaire I would change my name to Cha Ching.
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.