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I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Going back to work after 12 days off is the best way to realize I should have married for money.
Is it just me or does chocolate taste even better late at night, hence the the last four letters of the word chocoLATE?!
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
A quiet man is a thinking man. A quiet woman is usually mad.
yelling at the referee that he made a mistake has never worked, No Referee has never turned around and said, "Why yes your are right silly me I did make a mistake, penalty denied, goal kick"
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Its Friday ... my body is in for a much-needed drinking session
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying