😄 Daily Silly Status
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I need to unbutton my pants just thinking about how much I’m going to eat this week.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
Did you know: Your life expectancy decreases every time you ... PISS ME OFF
Go ahead caller 9!!
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
Going to Walmart with my mom and kids is a great way to test if the Xanax is working!
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.