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I feel like being that guy that gets upset when people use the term "straight A`s". "Fabulously flawless A`s" sounds much better.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
Whoa. I just did something & almost forgot to document it on facebook. That was a close one.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
If a cannibal is late for dinner, do they give him the cold shoulder?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.