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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Redneck word of the day : Asphalt. It`s your own dumb asphalt !!
I don’t have bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
I slammed the car door on my fingers this afternoon. In related news, there`s an 83% chance that my nephew just added "Mother*ucker" to his vocabulary.
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.