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If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
Technically, Humpty Dumpty died a crack head
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
My first crush was in kindergarten. I instantly knew I was doomed when she colored Neatly and Perfectly inside every line with a smug, superior smile
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
You make me feel "I`m-typing-this-with-my-middle-finger" angry.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I`m going to start a band called "Free Beer" because when people see a sign that says "Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM" everyone is going to be there.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Be good ... or I will text Santa