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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
If kids get money for losing teeth, what do I get for all this hair I’m losing?
I have the rest of my life to be an adult.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
Whenever I see a happy couple.... smiling, giggling, feeding each other food, whispering sweet nothings, very much in love..... I just wish I could give them a lie-detector test.
Dear Fox news,I have yet to see any news about foxes. Sincerely, disappointed viewer.
Tieam... problem solved
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!!!!
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)
It`s time to admit that as a species, we are just not ready for 4-way stops