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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
like this if you are against animal cruelty
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Thanks for accepting my friend request on Facebook, even though is was solely so I could gain full access to your profile and judge your life choices.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.
Sometimes in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.