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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
Why I stay slim? I once was forced to pay for two plane tickets, one for a person who wasn`t travelling with me. That`s why.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
I`m not lying, I`m just making the story better.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
My favorite exercise is somewhere between a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.