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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
I found out last night that the only thing worse than waking up 3 times to pee is sleeping right through it.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Government shutdown day 8: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand English – dogs
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
Why Couldn`t Snoop Dogg & Dr.Dre Get On The Bus ... Because They Forgot 50 Cent
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to `Toys For Tots` before you`re eligible for an Xbox?
My misery likes tequila, not company.