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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
Apparently "Fat Tuesday" doesn´t constitue telling fatties they´re fatties.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I’m on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Changing a whole text message just because you didn`t know how to spell one word?
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
DO NOT expect a "Bless You" after your 3rd sneeze. Get that sh!t under control.
A police officer just knocked on my door to tell me my dogs were chasing kids down the road on bikes.. Umm.. My dogs don`t even own bikes?
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.