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I just saw someone by themselves not looking at a phone. Hope they`re ok.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
You know its cold out ......when you go outside..... and it`s cold out
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
Calm down ... Take a deep breath and hold it for about 30 minutes.
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.