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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I always stop to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porno starts off!
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
It`s hard to feel sorry for people when they get what they deserve.
I`d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I haven`t been this disappointed since I first saw a real hedgehog and it wasn`t blue.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I wonder who Jason Waterfalls is and why did TLC not want him to go...
This day will end with either wine or shopping. Probably both.
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.