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FYI: The signs that say "Falling Rocks"....I tried it.....it doesn`t.
Reverse Psychology: DO not STALK MY FB PAGE. YOU ARE not OBSESSED WITH ME...
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Pokémon means a totally different thing if your stuck in a Jamaican prison.
Drinking always starts out as the best idea you’ve ever had.
Sex, drugs, and candy crush all have one thing in common. It’s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
I`ll bet I`m the only one in this grocery store with "sh!t for tacos" on my shopping list.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
Sometimes I can’t remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines…I totally get it.
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic