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I still miss my ex. But my aim is gettin` better.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
Sometimes, late at night in WalMart, I switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
The best thing about marriage is how wives always like to joke about making sure the life insurance premiums are paid up...
You don`t get smarter as you get older. There just aren`t any stupid things left that you haven`t already done.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.