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I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute.
When life gets you down, just remember: It’s never too early or too late for a nap.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
does anyone know if smurfs are gluten free
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
Fast way to mess up someones Knock Knock joke? "It`s open."
I just saw a guy take a bite of Kit Kat bar without breaking it apart first! Sir, we live in a society with rules, please adhere to them.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
The only thought I have for the weather lately is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji.
I may be asking too much of this coffee.