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Surgery beds are basically cutting boards for humans.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Meal prepping is basically eating a week`s worth of leftovers from a meal that never happened.
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
I can tell you nice things but they`ll all be about me.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Tequila... It`s not just for breakfast anymore...
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
Life is hard, it`s even harder when your stupid.
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Of course I like you, I gave you that roofie didn`t I?