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You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I`m at the expert level of Angry Birds
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
Random Fact of the Day: Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.