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I am not bossy, I just know how to do things the right way.
I love Halloween because it`s the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
“Too much milk left need more cereal” always leads to “too much cereal need more milk”
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I`m starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I’m going back to sleep. I refuse to give up on my dreams that easily.
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge ... Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?