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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.
I`ve finally stopped drinking for good ... And I`ve started drinking for evil.