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I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
I don`t just burn bridges, I drain the lake, fill it with concrete, and build a shopping mall on that bitch!
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
Junk food would be a lot easier to avoid if it actually tasted like junk.
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
I saw this homeless guy talking to himself and I was like, "Who is he talking to?" then I thought "Who am I talking to?"
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Apparently, "Giant ones" is not the appropriate response to the question, "What are the steps you would take in the event of an emergency?"
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.