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If my statuses had a smell.. they would smell funny
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Not sure if this Adderall is working but I just made a pros and cons list about pros and cons lists.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
When we give each other a thumbs up, it`s our way of mocking every other animal on earth.
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?