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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
FINALLY home from work! So, yea...if your phone number is on your profile...I will be drunk dialing you in about 30 minutes or so.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If you were home alone in the middle of the night, and you heard a fart, would you laugh or be scared.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Friends would describe me as classy, sassy and a bit smart-assy.
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
I`m so in Debt, I could start a Government.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`