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Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
Someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me.
For those who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G spot is located at the end of the word shopping.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
I dont run from my problems, I chase them ... with alcohol
People go on and on about the length of Subway`s sandwiches but how come nobody talks about their girth?
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!