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I`m not saying I`m lazy, but someone wrote "wash me" on my car so I just wrote back "nah"
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
Good news: I can still do a full split! Bad news: It wasn`t on purpose!
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
Next time you are in a restaurant, give this a thought. The fork you are using has been in the mouth of hundreds of people. Now look at the people eating right by you. Scary, right?
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating
I`d hit that. - women drivers
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.