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You know why you like me ... Cause your f*ckin crazy too!!!
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I am Bad and thats Good. I will never be Good and thats not Bad. There`s no one i`d rather be than ME.
I have lost my mind and I am making no effort to look for it.
I am a Mother hear me roar.....especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up and play dead and they usually leave you alone.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards, it`s an uplifting film about dinosaurs and people who work together to rebuild an island.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.