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Somedays I could do without the life lesson
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I’m sad when my food is over.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
My car rides usually consist of playing my music on random, then pressing “next” about 400 times.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
Funny how people get all angry when you break something of theirs that they don`t ever use. Like turn signals with a baseball bat.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
AWESOME!
Today`s subliminal thought is: …