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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
My car doesn’t have a passenger airbag but don’t worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time
To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Sunday morning: Try holding the other end.