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ah Saturday, where it`s socially acceptable to drink in the morning. ;)
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
It`s really quite simple ... I do what I want! ... The End.
I just realized that the only time I`m good at dancing is when I`m about to pee my pants
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
Why are clothes so expensive? I shouldn`t have to pay so much to not be naked. Other people should pay me not to be naked.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a sign of disrespect
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."