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A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
I have many thoughts. I just can´t remember any of them.
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Sometimes there just aren’t enough curse words.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
Pretty busy today. Was only able to check my phone 1400 times.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.
I’m trisexual, as in, I’ll try to have sex with you.