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Taking down my Christmas tree would probably just be a waste of time at this point.
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don`t worry, another study says you`re just being paranoid.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
Just got legitimately excited when I remembered I can pay a person to drive a pizza to my house
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.