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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Was sitting and doing nothing. Then I realized I could be sitting and doing nothing on Facebook. So here I am.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Plumbers should keep busy this week now that No Shave November is over..
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
If rolling your eyes burned calories, Facebook would be my gym.
Women my age expect a man to have his sh!t together by now. Time to start dating younger women.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.