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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
Dear YouTube, I will always “Skip this ad.”
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
There is no time to check time
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can`t get any worse, please remember...I don`t give a s$it.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we`d still be talking about how we`re not finding that airplane.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.