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Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over? You were driving 80 miles an hour. Driver: "No way; I ain`t even been on the road an hour."
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
My friends had a surprise party for me last night, well I called it a surprise party they called it an intervention.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
Rest area restrooms are weird. The guy in stall next to me has four feet.