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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
I didn`t get your text (phrase) - I got your text, I was just too lazy to respond.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
Admit it. When you go to the zoo, the first thing you look at is the Camel`s foot.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, Netflix
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
There is a special place in Hell for people who stop at yellow lights.
Don`t sweat the petty things and don`t pet the sweaty things.
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.