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I`ll drink enough for both of us, because I`m just a caring person.
I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Fart jokes ain`t funny, they stink.
Its all sh!ts and giggles until someone giggles and sh!ts
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it`s up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with!!
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Just called my own voicemail and left messages until the memory was full. People can`t leave messages now. That`s the kind of genius I am.
I have learned from watching crime dramas on tv when the good guys yell "Federal Agents" at the bad guys, the bad guy always runs. Wouldn`t it be smarter to yell "Prize Patrol" if you really want to catch a bad guy?