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Yes, your opinion matters ... But not to me.
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
I`ll show up at the gym when they put in a drive-thru.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Why are we still testing on animals when there are pedophiles in prison.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Some guy waved to me and then walked up and said, “Sorry, I thought you were someone else.” .... I said, “I am.”
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?
My neighbor put the box his fridge came in on the curb for trash pickup. Guess who has a new fort!