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I just found out cock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
How can I go to sleep when this movie I’ve seen 70 times just started?
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
I like to jump onto people`s backs as an unexpected piggy back. but sometimes I get carried away
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
I would know if I was insane, the voices would tell me.
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole