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Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I don`t mind helping people as long as I`m not slightly inconvenienced.
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like`s your idea"
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
at this point in life I break my life down into 2 time periods B.N and A.N....Before Netflix and After Netflix
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 thumbs up we`ll try anal. So please don`t vote, her strap on is huge and it really scares me.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.