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When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
If we aren`t supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
why me is me ?
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me