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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
“But I read somewhere…” -me about to make some sh!t up.
The fact that Pitbul is even considered a musician is more disgusting than the fact that toothpaste was invented years after french kissing was.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
DAMN IT!!!!! I just ripped the tag off one of my Beanie Babies! Now it`s worthless!!
If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.
Does this couch I`m laying on make me look unmotivated?
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50.