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I’m single by choice. Not my choice, but still a choice!
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
I don`t care if its a scam! Just the fact that the Prince of Nigeria sends me personal email makes me feel special!
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.