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What does Miley Cyrus have for dinner on Christmas? Twerky :`)
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress so that I’ll have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?