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I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
"Never go to bed angry" is the worst advice ever. I haven`t slept in a week!
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
If you see a girl or guy post pictures of their cat you know they`re single.
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.