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You can`t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Sometimes getting unfriended on Facebook is magical....really....it`s like the trash took itself out.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
I start to feel really anxious when my work piles up. I never know what to ignore first.
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a complete loser.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
80% of my life is pulling percentages out of thin air and stating them as facts...
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.