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I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
Does Facebook offer a 401(k)?
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you´ve had?
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I`ve got big plans for the weekend. If things go well, come Monday morning I`m gonna need a chiropractor, a psychiatrist, a priest and bail money.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!
There are only 53 days until Christmas... just a heads-up in case you haven`t shopped for me yet.