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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Wow! it`s late.. I need to hit the sack........ Then go to bed.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
I am deleting my twitter right now! Not to seem paranoid but I think people are following me!
This is a lousy dating site.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Ghetto word of the day: "Bishop", My girlfriend fell down, So I picked that bishop.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
3 Things you need to know: Yes I Have. Yes I Can. Yes I will.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.