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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
More food should come with prizes inside it.
I`m so sick and tired of my friends who can`t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the car.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I went to open a can of Whoop-Ass but it had a child-proof lid.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
I have a kid in Africa I inoculate, feed, clothe and send to school for only $1 day. It cost a lot to send him over there though.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"