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"Haha" - me when I don`t understand the reference
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Saw my Ex with some guy at a bar last night... so I ordered a beer, took a few sips then gave her date the rest of my drink... Walked away.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
So I just saw a donkey crossing the road. The cool thing was he looked both ways before crossing. What a smart a$$.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
The iPhone 5S: Because the NSA wants your thumbprint now too.
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Trust me, I am a liar.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
Is your drama going to have an intermission soon? I need to pee.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
How dumb is that family if Mrs. Doubtfire can fool them a second time?