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I need to find a way to be asleep but still get all my work done.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like "feeding the hungry" and "How to thank a loving wife"
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
I wish that we lived in a world where a chicken could cross the road without getting its motives questioned.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s
It takes so much self control for me not to write, "you sure about that?" under Facebook engagement announcements.
morning i hate girls evening i need girls