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Man, this Trojan gum I bought tastes terrible ... Blows amazing bubbles though
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
I was laying down, looking up at the stars while I was writing this post. Then it dawned on me; `Where the heck is the ceiling?`
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
I think my “check engine” light has finally burned out. So that’s good.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.