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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Shout out to people who are hard of hearing.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
Knock knock... whos there? Cows go... Cows go who, No, cows go moo
Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Born free. Now, I’m expensive.
Slipped on black ice today, I thought it was regular ice at first, but when I stood up, my wallet was gone.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.