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The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
Am I the only one who runs up on happy couples and yells, "How could you do this to me" and then runs off crying?
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
You know what’s easy? ... Opening another beer
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.