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Before the internet I used to like people.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
No officer, my speech isn`t slurred. I`m just talking in cursive.
Lets be honest. Half of life is messing up and half is frantically trying to fix it.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I hate it when I’m singing along to a song, and the artist gets it wrong.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I want to sleep tighter
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the sh!t out of you.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.