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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
More tattoo artists really just need to say "No, I`m not doing that."
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I need u to do me a favor... Stand in front of my car please... I need to test my brakes :)
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.