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If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
My friend wants to know if you think Iām hot.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Bumper stickers are helpful for recognizing members of society you do not want to associate with.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
Girl says to her Blonde friend, I slept with a Brazilian man last night. The Blonde replies: OMG you SLUT! How many is a Brazilian??
My doctor said Iām healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
This cold weather makes me half the man I used to be.
My wife just bought a $50 bottle of shampoo. So guys, party at my house this weekend because apparently we won the Lottery!!!
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
LOSE WEIGHT FAST! Mix equal parts warm water, apple cider vinegar, & lemon juice toss that disgusting sh!t into a sink & get on a treadmill.