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I`m not sure what post it was that caused me to lose 2 more Facebook friends today, but if I find out which one it was I will make sure to post it again....
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
Congratulations! I`ve finally snapped, and you`re first on my list!
How do you know if your girlfriend is getting fat?...She fits into your wife`s clothes.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Me being rude: Shut the f*ck up. Me being polite: Please shut the f*ck up.
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Facebook is like my fridge… I know there is nothing there but I check it every 10 minutes anyways.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
Mini M&M`s - for when you just can`t finish an entire M&M