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“Swearing is unattractive” I’m not attractive anyway so f*ck off
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
If you eat doughnuts fast enough your Fitbit thinks you`re walking.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
Well, all I have to say is TGIF. (Post this on any day but Friday to get comments)
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
Instead of laughing my a$$ off, I`m going to start laughing my stomach off. I`d rather lose that.
I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year!
I usually want to post intelligent and witty comments. But I end up posting stupid and funny ones so my friends can understand them.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.