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So you`ll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year ... Your move Weight Watchers
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Women`s magazines are so funny. 1: You`re beautiful and perfect just the way you are! 2: How to lose 20 pounds in 10 days.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.