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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
It’s amazing how little information I need on someone before I decide I don’t like them.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them?
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.
I don`t think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.