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That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is inversely proportional to the severity of the sh!tstorm that’s coming.
I`ll decide whether it`s a compliment or sexual harassment.
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
I bet someone could get really rich opening a business that untangles Christmas lights!
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.