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I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they`d never get caught.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
On a scale of 1-10, I give this day a middle finger.
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).