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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I have the worst case of morning sickness. No I am not pregnant, my body just rejects mornings.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs. For a second, I thought, "Should I help?" Then I thought, "No...6 should be enough."
Is it too early to start drinking? - some moron with a clock.