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On a scale from 0 to insane, I`m Batman!
The human soul weights 1.2 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.
Me: "Why do all the people I love leave me?!" UPS Guy: "Please Mam, just sign"
I just want to read, have a snack, then take a nap. Basically, I just want to be in kindergarten again.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
This status is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Google was first named, `BackRub`. If they hadn`t changed the name, we`d be saying, `I don`t know, go BackRub it.`
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.