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A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
My car remote died. I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal.
I understand vampires being invisible in mirrors, but what the hell happens to their clothes?
I think I may have just inadvertently accomplished something!!!
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I think I’m going to take a hot shower. It’s like a normal shower, but with me in it…
Yesterday my Supervisor asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.