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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.
Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.