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I would like to think that I`ll die heroic death saving someone`s life but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my shoelaces and choke on a spoonful of Nutella.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
The most frustrating thing I`ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Y`all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If you`re going to be original, be prepared to be copied.
A young man gets sent to jail,and gets put into a jail cell with a convict the size of the Incredible Hulk. After lights out, he hears a whisper from the top bunk."Let`s play Mommy and Daddy. Who do you wanna be?" Thinking quick, the man says "daddy." "Then come up here and suck Mommy`s d!ck."
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
I`d save a lot more money on car insurance if they quit spending billions on advertising.
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.