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Parents, forget about teaching your kids about the birds and the bees. Teach your kids the difference between their, they`re and there.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I wish there was an observation deck at WalMart.
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Happy Fourth of July!! Or as the rest of the world likes to call it, Friday.
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.