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Try sliding down a water slide without running water to realize how important foreplay is
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Beauty is only a light switch away...
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.