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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
Does any one know how to lower the difficulty settings on tinder?
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
People: What a bunch of bastards!
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.