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Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
At hotels, you can either take a helicopter tour of the city or drink the bottle of water on the table. They cost the same.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I broke up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.......i felt like that bitch was seeing someone else.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket”
Tony Romo tried to throw his helmet down in frustration but it was intercepted and returned for a touchdown
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
If someone throws a rock at you, throw a flower back at them, but, make sure the flower is still in the pot..
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it`s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!