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There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
We`re like hot chocolate and marshmallows. You`re hot, and I wanna be on top of you.
My anger management class pisses me off
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides.