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My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
there is a big difference between spray tanned and looking like you rolled in nacho chesse doritos.
Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
"Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Adding "and sh!t" to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?
F*ck spiders. F*ck them and the way they move their legs, f*ck their ability to multiply by the million and f*ck their eight, beady little black eyes that offer unblinking, soulless glimpses of the blackest depths of hell itself.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
Little known fact: Walt Disney was the inventor of modern day text talk "M - I - C... C u real soon... K - E - Y... Y? Because we like u"
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.