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To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
If your wife asks you if you know where the broom is, it`s not a good idea to ask her if she is going somewhere.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
Just realized I have more in common with Garfield than I have with most people
"The Twilight Zone" makes me long for the days when you could smoke on a spaceship.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.
If you aren`t sure if you like someone, here`s a test: imagine they`re dead. Now, was it an accident or did you murder them?
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.