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I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you`ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
The first rule of elevator club is don`t talk to other members of elevator club.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.