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I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Sometimes I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught the fish yet.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem solver.
Just saw a guy driving while eating ice cream. F*cking sundae drivers.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
Dear Autocorrect, She`s an amazing woman not an amazon woman. Thanks. And now I`m never getting laid.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
If you can`t handle me at my worst, then that sucks because that`s all there is to me.
Friends who buy you food are friends for life.