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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly and for the same reason...
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
Never go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot revenge.
Sometimes the problem with reality is the lack of background music.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.