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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn’t speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Of all the people who "claim" not to give a sh!t, I`m pretty sure the guy standing barefoot in front of the urinal at the gym is the winner.