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My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Don`t act like your not impressed.
When I see names carved into a tree I don’t think it’s cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she`s gathering evidence.
If I`ve learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it`s to stay away from those in the tampon isle.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.