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Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science. Sneaking into your neighbor`s yard to cut it down is an art.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
Superman wears his underwear outside his pants and he`s a "hero". But I do, and I`m "weird", "creepy" and "never invited over again."
I`m not saying I hate you, but I`d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Didn`t win the lotto again ... send prayers.
It only takes 3.5 inches to please a woman, it doesn`t matter if its Visa or Mastercard.
Word for the day is asstard
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
If guns don’t kill people, but people kill people, then doesn’t that mean that toasters don’t toast toast, but instead toast toasts toast?
I went to see the doctor today for my annual check-up. The good news is the he says I`m healthy as a horse. The bad news is he uses large farm animals to