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It’s annoying when Netflix keeps stopping to buffer. Stupid neighbors just won’t upgrade their WiFi.
It`s been a boring day today. Not exactly Nascar boring, but awfully close.
I’m eating for two – me and that skinny girl inside my body. She likes cake, too.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
How come there`s never enough dirt to refill the hole even after you`ve put the body in? Asking for a friend
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver