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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I am currently unsupervised ... I know, it freaks me out too. But the possibilities are endless!
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
I like candle lit dinners, romantic walks on the beach, and hardcore pornography.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
Redneck WORD OF THE DAY: WATER My girlfriend gets mad and I don`t even know water problem is!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.