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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
I have found that the best work from home occupation is a bartender
Please don`t hastag out loud...
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
A friend of mine asked if I was coming to her wedding. I said no, I`ll catch the next one. She`s mad at me now.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Screw you, little sticker on fruit!
AWESOME!
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there