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I thought the movie `fast & furious` was about my sex life. I`m fast, my wife is furious.
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks..I`m in public.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!