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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
How did anybody express anger before the invention of the caps lock key?
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
REMEMBER: If you start to hear banjos, get the hell outta there!
Sometimes, I think I`m a genius. Then I realize I`ve already seen this episode of Jeopardy.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
The real reason I’m not a superhero…. Pockets, I need my pockets.