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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
If you think you`re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say "There there" when consoling someone
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese`s pieces
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
On the subject of sex, my parents told me `the man goes on top, and the woman underneath.` No wonder I got divorced. For 3 years my ex-wife and I slept in bunk beds.
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
I don`t have dirty mind ...I just hav a sexy imagination. ..
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I`m going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I`m drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.