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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
One person forgetting to take their medication can really liven up a mundane day at the office.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
Today I made sushi at home for the first time. I subsituted a hotdog for the raw tuna, a bun for the rice, and mustard for the wasabi!
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
All i wanna know is how this website knew my name is Guest?
I want to live in a world where the Food Network delivers.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!