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This debt collector was just so surprised I answered my phone that they stuttered and hung-up lmao!!
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get...well you know...Oreos.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I always tell new hires, don`t think of me as your boss, think of me as your friend who can fire you`re ass
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I`m going to visit.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “Curiosity was here”
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?