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Sometimes, I use big words I don`t always fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that`s good.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
As a nation, we may be spending our children`s money, but at my house, it`s the other way around.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
You shouldn`t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!
Disneyland. The world’s biggest people trap, built by a mouse.