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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
If you eat it in the car before you get home, it never existed.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
"10 Totally Epic Reasons Why You`re Going Straight to Hell" - 2013 version of Ten Commandments
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
Pointing out the food you just dropped on the floor to your dog because you`re too lazy to clean it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching.
I guess the teachers went back to school. The bar was nearly empty this morning.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
Honey, tact is for people who aren`t witty enough to be sarcastic.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...