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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
You’d think with as much time women spend looking at their ass in the mirror, they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Mo’ money, mo’ problems. This explains why I don’t have problems.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I never mix business with pleasure, ......unless i call an escort.
Darn right I’m good in bed. ...I can sleep for days.
I`m paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.
Ive been invited to farmville! Now what to wear...
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light
I just heard a woodpecker call me a `paranoid old weirdo` in morse code.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out