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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
I wish I could match my dog`s excitement to go outside.
I just changed my relationship status from “left hand” to “right hand”…
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
An empty fridge is a sad fridge.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
What kind of downward spiral would cause a person to "like" cream cheese on Facebook?
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.