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In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on.
Memories of you make me look forward to alzheimers.
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used
I’m eating just in case I get hungry later
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
I just saw a disclaimer that said “don’t try this at home”, so I tried it at my neighbors house.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
Thank god we don`t send messages with pigeons anymore. Where would I find 200 pigeons every day?
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
So Stevie Wonder is going to become father to triplets next year. I guess he didn`t see that coming...
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.