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Everyone around me keeps telling me I`m mean ... Which is absurd ... Plus, they`re ugly.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
“Shh.. Do you hear that?” “What? I heard nothing.” “Exactly, it’s the sound of no one caring.”
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
For lent, I`m giving up sexual innuendos but it`s hard... so hard!
Obesity: When you buy a hula-hoop and it fits you.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.