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If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.
I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Insert coin to view my status message.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Just watched (insert title of horror movie) and it wasn`t scary at all. The crap in my pants is a pure coincidence.
facebooked yo mama!!!
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.