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Flat screens are nice and all, but they`ll never compare to the television/record player/ liquor cabinet combo extravaganza we had as kids.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
The best part about having an old VW is driving down the road and watching people punch the sh!t out of each other.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
My door bell is a recording of a shotgun being racked.
I’m glad you spent $80 on makeup to look like a $5 whore. Well done
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
Relationships would be easier if people came with a "Clear History" button.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
Baby Polar Bear: Mommy, am I really a Polar Bear? Mother: Of course you are. Why? Baby Polar Bear: `Cause I`m fukcing freezing!"