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Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
You, my friend, deserve a high-five... that’s four more fingers than I normally give.
The part of “no” that I don’t understand is the part where I don’t get what I want.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
I bet Snowmen think it`s weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
If you want to pick up girls ....Keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
Wonders why we can`t just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.