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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
I`ve always wondered how the job application process at Hooters works. Do they give you a bra and orange shorts and say, "Here, can you fill these both out"?
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
I must say I enjoy it more when a girl asks me out. To me, there`s nothing more attractive than that high level of confidence, initiative, and poor judgment.
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......