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I plan on getting "sidewalk nap" drunk tonight.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Do bees even have knees?
Some of you are so dumb, I don`t even know how you found the internet.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.