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Why is it that whenever there`s two women in a profile pic, the hot one is always someone else..?
I`ve done a lot of things over the years ... But acting normal has never been one of them.
Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you`ve built in your head?
Have some fun with your life...call in sick to places you dont even work at.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
Clearly, it is wrong to describe woman`s menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.