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I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Before I die, I`m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
That awkward moment when you`re telling the truth, but start laughing like crazy and everyone thinks you`re lying.
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
I must have a great butt because every time I finish talking with someone and start to walk away, I hear them whisper "What an a$$."
If your single and you know it…Pet your cat!
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.